"I know. I wouldn't want you to. And even if she came back tomorrow, I... don't think it could be the same with us anyway. Me and her, I mean. You know?"
Clarisse takes a deep breath and lets it out fast, still feeling jittery. It's relieved jittery, but still. She hates that they're still sitting across from each other like this, each making their point like two lawyers presenting a case, so before she can think about it too hard she stands up and crosses the space between them and settles onto Abby's bed next to her.
"You weren't being pushy." Clarisse lifts one shoulder in a shrug, feeling almost embarrassed to admit, "I wasn't sad that night. It was fun."
It was. She doesn't want to say this out loud, she's not sure how she would even explain it, but it was also the first time in months that sex had seemed like something she wanted for herself, something she could think about doing without feeling stressed out or sad. A reminder that she was still a person who could have a life.
Abby nods, even though she doesn't know — didn't know this until right now, when Clarisse said it. She hasn't let herself consider that Ellie might come back some day, it's the exact same trap as waiting around for Lev to fall out of a rip in the sky. If it happens, it happens but until then she isn't going to let herself hope. Clarisse is right though, getting her back wouldn't return things to normal. She understands that immediately.
"Why not?"
Clarisse stands up and comes toward her, takes a seat beside her on the bed and as Abby shifts her weight automatically, she accidentally brushes her leg against Clarisse's knee.
It's so small, a tiny point of connection, but it's all she can feel, all she can concentrate on. She doesn't move away.
"Yeah," she says, looking back, "It was."
And now she's thinking about it, specifically the exact way that Clarisse kept kissing her like something worn thin had finally snapped; how she kept her fingers inside even after Abby came. Fuck. She's been trying really hard not to think about that. Feels like she has to ask Clarisse for permission before she can but there's no way she could actually do that.
"I'm — it's good that you weren't sad." God, what the hell is she saying? "It was the first time in ages I actually slept through the whole night." Afterwards. Obviously.
"Because. Things are just different now." Clarisse can't put a finger on exactly what, and it's not like she's stopped loving or missing Ellie, but it's like some door has opened that she's never going to be able to close, and that's just how it is. She thought she'd be sad about it, but she isn't. She's okay.
Abby's leg presses up against her knee and stays that way. Clarisse can feel the warmth of her in that one small spot, and she waits for it to fade and be like all the million other times they've touched like this, but it stays.
Thank fuck Abby says what she does next—it actually makes Clarisse snort out a laugh and cover her mouth with one hand. "I don't think you even ground your teeth that night." Ha ha. She picks at her thumbnail for a few seconds before saying, "Um, can I ask you... You said something about how you don't look at girls as much, but you never said why."
During. Abby said that during, and Clarisse has been thinking about it since, but she hadn't planned on asking. Then again, she hadn't planned on talking about most of this stuff, either.
Abby nods mutely. In a funny way the spot where they're touching is keeping her from looking down instead of looking at Clarisse. If she doesn't look at it, it doesn't exist... Something like that. She can get away with it? And Clarisse doesn't move either, she makes a face at Abby — one she's done a hundred times before that looks different, better up close — and cups a hand around her mouth to keep from laughing.
It immediately makes Abby laugh. Yeah. 'Dumb but true' could be the title of her biography. "Sorry," she says, but she's grinning almost apologetically. I swear I'm not usually this awkward. I swear I don't usually act like this after I've slept with someone?
She's got front row seats to her gaze dropping to her thumbnail, the slight furrow of her brow when she's thinking.
"Uh..."
Abby shrugs. Stalling for time cuz she wants to say 'I dunno' and leave it there, but Clarisse deserves more from her than that. "I guess I notice guys more," is what she lands on, plucking at the end of her braid. "It's not like I never... I've thought about it before, heaps of times — girls, I mean. But I haven't ever done anything about it."
Until now, until this. And god, it was so easy to, with Clarisse. And it was so good.
She doesn't really have a good answer for that, unless 'I wanted to know if I was a one off' is a good answer, which she doubts. "Just curious, I guess. I never really talked about it before with anybody." This is true, too.
"I was the same way at home for a long time. Thought about it but never did anything. Plus I had a boyfriend for like..." She rolls her eyes, thinking back. "Too long."
Clarisse stops messing with her thumbnail and looks back up at Abby. Her eyes move from Abby's face to the ends of her fingers as they pinch at the very end of her braid. She's aware that she knows exactly how it'd feel to undo the tie and run her fingers through Abby's hair. She still has a sense memory of the way it smelled like soap and how it was still damp underneath from being washed.
So, okay. She stops looking at the braid, but the only other place to look now is at Abby's face.
They keep tripping up like this. It's all normal and casual and then suddenly Clarisse is reminding herself that she knows what Abby's tongue feels like in her mouth and it's like all the air's gone from the room for a few seconds.
Maybe it's not even 'they,' maybe it's just her. She doesn't know if she can totally make herself believe that, though.
It makes her think of nights Manny was away sleeping in somebody else's bed so Nora would occupy his and bring Mel with her, maybe Leah too if she could bear to be dragged away from Jordan for that long. Leah always had gossip. Nora pretended not to care but had a million questions ready and Abby found it fascinating how easy it was for Leah to talk about her own sex life, about what Jordan did that made her scream or whatever. She hated talking about that stuff. About who she was looking at behind Owen's back.
Clarisse is looking at her. Abby was looking too but not focusing and now she sits up straight. She tosses her braid over her shoulder almost carelessly and exhales, settling. She can't think of anything to say. Her and Clarisse used to be able to sit in silence together all the time, doing something individually at the same time, and it was never weird. Now Abby feels like she can't let things be quiet between them, she needs to be talking or moving.
She makes herself be still. Does Clarisse feel like this around her now too? She can't tell. Maybe she's the only one being crazy.
They're supposed to be friends. Clarisse doesn't want to lose her as a friend.
Abby's heart is thumping. She says, "Clarisse," lets the rest of it stick in her throat. In the training yard Clarisse said touch me like it was the easiest thing in the world to ask for what she wanted and Abby wants to say that now, she wants to be brave and crazy. But she doesn't want to be the one who ruins what they are.
Things get quiet, but it's not the comfortable quiet Clarisse is used to with Abby. The two of them, sitting on the bed, legs touching, neither of them doing anything. Neither of them saying anything.
It feels like the silence is building on itself, becoming heavier. When Abby finally does speak, says her name and then stops like the rest is caught in her throat, Clarisse's shoulders twitch. She wonders if Abby can hear the way her breathing has sped up.
"Yeah?" Clarisse wets her bottom lip. Her mouth feels dry.
It was easy to lean over and kiss Abby in the training yard. It was new, but at the same time it was Abby, so it hadn't been weird at all. Now Clarisse looks at her and thinks that, with how close they are, it would be easy to lean in and kiss Abby again. Maybe she should.
And then say, what, "Thanks for the shield?" Like things aren't weird enough, is she about to make them even weirder by doing this? That's the risk. Either kissing Abby makes things better or it ruins them. And Clarisse isn't sure she can live with the second option.
She straightens up, scoots just barely to one side so her leg isn't pressing up against Abby's anymore.
"I," Abby says, a stutter of sound that slips out of her unbidden and she swallows, blinking. Just ask. Say something, anything—
She doesn't understand how she managed to cross that fucking sky bridge but she can't get herself to ask for what she wants. The thought of Clarisse rejecting her out of hand doesn't give her vertigo but in this moment it's as scary as looking down over a ledge. So when Clarisse suddenly shifts her weight on the bed and takes her leg back, retreating into her own space, it's both a powerful relief and a crushing disappointment.
That all happened in about five seconds, right? Feels like they've been sitting here on her bed together for days.
"... Thanks for listening," she says. She winces because it really does sound so lame, like it was the first thing off the top of her head, but there is truth in it. She is grateful for that.
She didn't expect it, that's all. The whole conversation, it had felt less like listening to Abby and more like just... talking with her. Like the closest things had come to how it used to be with them, and then something had changed.
She shouldn't have brought up anything to do with the training yard, even indirectly. She should not have asked Abby about liking girls. That was fucking stupid of her, and she can see that clearly now.
"Anytime. And thanks again for the gift." So she's thanking Abby for the shield anyway.
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Clarisse takes a deep breath and lets it out fast, still feeling jittery. It's relieved jittery, but still. She hates that they're still sitting across from each other like this, each making their point like two lawyers presenting a case, so before she can think about it too hard she stands up and crosses the space between them and settles onto Abby's bed next to her.
"You weren't being pushy." Clarisse lifts one shoulder in a shrug, feeling almost embarrassed to admit, "I wasn't sad that night. It was fun."
It was. She doesn't want to say this out loud, she's not sure how she would even explain it, but it was also the first time in months that sex had seemed like something she wanted for herself, something she could think about doing without feeling stressed out or sad. A reminder that she was still a person who could have a life.
nsfw mention
"Why not?"
Clarisse stands up and comes toward her, takes a seat beside her on the bed and as Abby shifts her weight automatically, she accidentally brushes her leg against Clarisse's knee.
It's so small, a tiny point of connection, but it's all she can feel, all she can concentrate on. She doesn't move away.
"Yeah," she says, looking back, "It was."
And now she's thinking about it, specifically the exact way that Clarisse kept kissing her like something worn thin had finally snapped; how she kept her fingers inside even after Abby came. Fuck. She's been trying really hard not to think about that. Feels like she has to ask Clarisse for permission before she can but there's no way she could actually do that.
"I'm — it's good that you weren't sad." God, what the hell is she saying? "It was the first time in ages I actually slept through the whole night." Afterwards. Obviously.
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Abby's leg presses up against her knee and stays that way. Clarisse can feel the warmth of her in that one small spot, and she waits for it to fade and be like all the million other times they've touched like this, but it stays.
Thank fuck Abby says what she does next—it actually makes Clarisse snort out a laugh and cover her mouth with one hand. "I don't think you even ground your teeth that night." Ha ha. She picks at her thumbnail for a few seconds before saying, "Um, can I ask you... You said something about how you don't look at girls as much, but you never said why."
During. Abby said that during, and Clarisse has been thinking about it since, but she hadn't planned on asking. Then again, she hadn't planned on talking about most of this stuff, either.
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It immediately makes Abby laugh. Yeah. 'Dumb but true' could be the title of her biography. "Sorry," she says, but she's grinning almost apologetically. I swear I'm not usually this awkward. I swear I don't usually act like this after I've slept with someone?
She's got front row seats to her gaze dropping to her thumbnail, the slight furrow of her brow when she's thinking.
"Uh..."
Abby shrugs. Stalling for time cuz she wants to say 'I dunno' and leave it there, but Clarisse deserves more from her than that. "I guess I notice guys more," is what she lands on, plucking at the end of her braid. "It's not like I never... I've thought about it before, heaps of times — girls, I mean. But I haven't ever done anything about it."
Until now, until this. And god, it was so easy to, with Clarisse. And it was so good.
"How come?"
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"I was the same way at home for a long time. Thought about it but never did anything. Plus I had a boyfriend for like..." She rolls her eyes, thinking back. "Too long."
Clarisse stops messing with her thumbnail and looks back up at Abby. Her eyes move from Abby's face to the ends of her fingers as they pinch at the very end of her braid. She's aware that she knows exactly how it'd feel to undo the tie and run her fingers through Abby's hair. She still has a sense memory of the way it smelled like soap and how it was still damp underneath from being washed.
So, okay. She stops looking at the braid, but the only other place to look now is at Abby's face.
They keep tripping up like this. It's all normal and casual and then suddenly Clarisse is reminding herself that she knows what Abby's tongue feels like in her mouth and it's like all the air's gone from the room for a few seconds.
Maybe it's not even 'they,' maybe it's just her. She doesn't know if she can totally make herself believe that, though.
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It makes her think of nights Manny was away sleeping in somebody else's bed so Nora would occupy his and bring Mel with her, maybe Leah too if she could bear to be dragged away from Jordan for that long. Leah always had gossip. Nora pretended not to care but had a million questions ready and Abby found it fascinating how easy it was for Leah to talk about her own sex life, about what Jordan did that made her scream or whatever. She hated talking about that stuff. About who she was looking at behind Owen's back.
Clarisse is looking at her. Abby was looking too but not focusing and now she sits up straight. She tosses her braid over her shoulder almost carelessly and exhales, settling. She can't think of anything to say. Her and Clarisse used to be able to sit in silence together all the time, doing something individually at the same time, and it was never weird. Now Abby feels like she can't let things be quiet between them, she needs to be talking or moving.
She makes herself be still. Does Clarisse feel like this around her now too? She can't tell. Maybe she's the only one being crazy.
They're supposed to be friends. Clarisse doesn't want to lose her as a friend.
Abby's heart is thumping. She says, "Clarisse," lets the rest of it stick in her throat. In the training yard Clarisse said touch me like it was the easiest thing in the world to ask for what she wanted and Abby wants to say that now, she wants to be brave and crazy. But she doesn't want to be the one who ruins what they are.
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It feels like the silence is building on itself, becoming heavier. When Abby finally does speak, says her name and then stops like the rest is caught in her throat, Clarisse's shoulders twitch. She wonders if Abby can hear the way her breathing has sped up.
"Yeah?" Clarisse wets her bottom lip. Her mouth feels dry.
It was easy to lean over and kiss Abby in the training yard. It was new, but at the same time it was Abby, so it hadn't been weird at all. Now Clarisse looks at her and thinks that, with how close they are, it would be easy to lean in and kiss Abby again. Maybe she should.
And then say, what, "Thanks for the shield?" Like things aren't weird enough, is she about to make them even weirder by doing this? That's the risk. Either kissing Abby makes things better or it ruins them. And Clarisse isn't sure she can live with the second option.
She straightens up, scoots just barely to one side so her leg isn't pressing up against Abby's anymore.
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She doesn't understand how she managed to cross that fucking sky bridge but she can't get herself to ask for what she wants. The thought of Clarisse rejecting her out of hand doesn't give her vertigo but in this moment it's as scary as looking down over a ledge. So when Clarisse suddenly shifts her weight on the bed and takes her leg back, retreating into her own space, it's both a powerful relief and a crushing disappointment.
That all happened in about five seconds, right? Feels like they've been sitting here on her bed together for days.
"... Thanks for listening," she says. She winces because it really does sound so lame, like it was the first thing off the top of her head, but there is truth in it. She is grateful for that.
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She didn't expect it, that's all. The whole conversation, it had felt less like listening to Abby and more like just... talking with her. Like the closest things had come to how it used to be with them, and then something had changed.
She shouldn't have brought up anything to do with the training yard, even indirectly. She should not have asked Abby about liking girls. That was fucking stupid of her, and she can see that clearly now.
"Anytime. And thanks again for the gift." So she's thanking Abby for the shield anyway.