Maybe it's better this way, actually. Telling Clarisse what she did instead of letting her learn it all off Ellie. She says, "I dragged my friends into my shit. I didn't make them come with me to kill him, but I made it hard for them to say no. And then I made them watch, because I couldn't stop.
They got killed, and it was my fault. Because they were there in that room when they didn't have to be."
She thinks about it all the time.
Clarisse had to tell her story to Ellie, but Abby is choosing to say this. It hurts, and is oddly satisfying.
Abby talks, and Clarisse nods. She isn't agreeing with her, just listening, taking it in.
She can't say their situations are the same, but she understands the feelings Abby must have in the aftermath. She gets what it's like to walk around knowing that you got people killed, people you love, and there's nothing you'll ever be able to do to take it back or even make it okay.
That some mistakes are so big and so awful that they alter the entire course of your life.
"I'm sorry about your friends," she says. "And... about your dad." For the record.
Obviously people used to tell Abby that all the time. Sorry about your dad. Sorry, Abs. Sorry. Hope you're okay. Over time it started feeling insincere, when the truth was nobody knew what else to say to her. What else can you say?
Hearing it from Clarisse now doesn't feel that way at all. It actually helps.
People might've said it all the time to Abby, but that hasn't been Clarisse's experience, and it hits surprisingly hard. People basically stopped talking about Silena in front of her after what happened. Mostly because they blamed her. Which is fair. She wouldn't have said "sorry about your friend" either, if the same thing had happened to someone else.
"Yeah. Thanks." She presses her lips together, not sure what to say next. Then, with a sigh: "It's been a few years now. But sometimes it still feels like it just happened. You know?"
It's weird, thinking about herself growing older while Silena stays seventeen forever. It doesn't seem right.
In a way, she hasn't been thinking of her friends as dead? More that they're... not here. It's not like she's in denial, or thinks they could fall out of a rift one day, it's just easier to think of it like that rather than what actually happened. When she remembers exactly what Ellie said to her about Nora, she feels sick to her stomach.
Is that something that gets easier over time? Abby has no fucking idea.
She clears her throat. "Yeah. I do."
She thought she was gonna leave it at that but finds herself adding, "Talking about it helps. Otherwise it's like you're the only person here who ever knows they existed and it's... weird, and fucked up. If you ever want to talk about them with me, you can."
Thinking about Silena for too long makes her feel like she's hungover and just crawled out from in between the clashing rocks at the climbing wall back at camp, and Clarisse isn't sure how much she believes that talking about her would be any better, but she doesn't argue. Because even though it hurts, sometimes she does want to talk about it. To bring up things that remind her of her friend, so it isn't like Silena never existed.
Maybe it would hurt less if she did it more often.
It's not until Abby asks that Clarisse realizes what her face must look like. For better or worse, she's never really been able to hide how she's feeling, because everything shows up right on her stupid face no matter how hard she tries, and this whole conversation must have been no exception.
"Yes, Abs." She even smiles, a little. Not fake, just a little too fragile to be considered enthusiastic. "We're cool."
She cracks a tiny grin at the nickname, stretches her arms up over her head.
"Hey," suddenly, "Let's go somewhere." Fun, that is. Something that isn't sitting around here, thinking about Ellie's secret baby, cuz Abby can already tell she's going to dedicate way too much time and energy to that and she doesn't wanna, ugh. "We could... grab food out of the kitchens and go out to Sundermount, or something."
Clarisse's fragile smile turns into something more genuine, and she gets to her feet, eager. Getting out of the Gallows has never seemed like a better idea, and she and Abby are long overdue for a hangout where they actually get to do something cool.
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Maybe it's better this way, actually. Telling Clarisse what she did instead of letting her learn it all off Ellie. She says, "I dragged my friends into my shit. I didn't make them come with me to kill him, but I made it hard for them to say no. And then I made them watch, because I couldn't stop.
They got killed, and it was my fault. Because they were there in that room when they didn't have to be."
She thinks about it all the time.
Clarisse had to tell her story to Ellie, but Abby is choosing to say this. It hurts, and is oddly satisfying.
no subject
She can't say their situations are the same, but she understands the feelings Abby must have in the aftermath. She gets what it's like to walk around knowing that you got people killed, people you love, and there's nothing you'll ever be able to do to take it back or even make it okay.
That some mistakes are so big and so awful that they alter the entire course of your life.
"I'm sorry about your friends," she says. "And... about your dad." For the record.
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Hearing it from Clarisse now doesn't feel that way at all. It actually helps.
Abby releases a breath and nods, looking at her.
"Sorry about your best friend."
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"Yeah. Thanks." She presses her lips together, not sure what to say next. Then, with a sigh: "It's been a few years now. But sometimes it still feels like it just happened. You know?"
It's weird, thinking about herself growing older while Silena stays seventeen forever. It doesn't seem right.
no subject
In a way, she hasn't been thinking of her friends as dead? More that they're... not here. It's not like she's in denial, or thinks they could fall out of a rift one day, it's just easier to think of it like that rather than what actually happened. When she remembers exactly what Ellie said to her about Nora, she feels sick to her stomach.
Is that something that gets easier over time? Abby has no fucking idea.
She clears her throat. "Yeah. I do."
She thought she was gonna leave it at that but finds herself adding, "Talking about it helps. Otherwise it's like you're the only person here who ever knows they existed and it's... weird, and fucked up. If you ever want to talk about them with me, you can."
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Maybe it would hurt less if she did it more often.
"Okay," she says finally. "You too, if you want."
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... Easy. She lets out a big breath.
Because Clarisse's expression is a little hard to read right now, she adds, "We cool?"
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"Yes, Abs." She even smiles, a little. Not fake, just a little too fragile to be considered enthusiastic. "We're cool."
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"Hey," suddenly, "Let's go somewhere." Fun, that is. Something that isn't sitting around here, thinking about Ellie's secret baby, cuz Abby can already tell she's going to dedicate way too much time and energy to that and she doesn't wanna, ugh. "We could... grab food out of the kitchens and go out to Sundermount, or something."
no subject
Clarisse's fragile smile turns into something more genuine, and she gets to her feet, eager. Getting out of the Gallows has never seemed like a better idea, and she and Abby are long overdue for a hangout where they actually get to do something cool.
"Let's do it."