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Do you think I don't care about you, because of my friendship with Ellie?

Well, I haven't exactly given you any reason to want to care about me.

What sort of reason do you think I would need?

I don't know, okay. I don't understand why you would want one.

Because I like you.

[ obviously. ]

I like working with you.

But you know what I did to her.

(Astarion, Glimmer, Loki; they all know what Abby did to Ellie, and they like her anyway. Abby lets them. But they've all told her, in turn, things that they have done, and that's what been bothering her when it comes to Derrica.

This realisation gives her a bit of much-needed clarity, sends her into a moody little silence for half a moment. She mutters,) And I've been a dick to you.

I do. [ and then— ] And it's not a problem for me, that you've been rude.

[ And the rudeness is incidental, isn't it? Compared to Abby's first objection. ]

I know it's complicated. You don't have to talk to me about it. And if you would rather I left you alone, I can do that too.

(Abby pinches the bridge of her nose, thinking.)

I don't want you to leave me alone. (She's taking her time with what she wants to say.) I like working with you too. I– (A steady breath in and out,) dunno why this is so hard.

(Just is.

And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe if it ever starts being easy, that'll be an alarm bell in itself.)

... How much do you know about Joel?

[ Surprising, that Abby takes her up on it. Derrica had almost expected Abby to decline. ]

That he was someone Ellie cared about, and that he was important to her.

[ Pared down, because it feels unfair to pass along all the raw-scraped things Ellie had said that night. ]

And that you killed him.

Yup.

(Nah, it's the perfect response, completely removed from anything too sentimental. There's the sound of her running her hand over her face.)

He killed my dad. (There you go. Breathe.) My dad was the surgeon in charge of Ellie's operation. Joel stormed our base to get her back.

(And it wasn't just her dad who died at his hands. They were never a very large group, that Salt Lake outpost, and Abby knew everybody's names, they knew her- he killed Marlene, he shot her right through the fucking eye. Every other kill felt incidental but he took his time there, he made that one personal.) I found his body. He knifed him with his own fucking scalpel. (God, she feels numb. Every single time she says it, it doesn't go away.) So I killed him. I tracked him down, and I took my time. He deserved it.

(And she doesn't want Derrica's opinion on that, so she keeps going, swallowing. Staring at her crystal,) She was there when it happened. She saw me end it, and she came after me and my friends.

She got even. I'm the only one left.

[ Operation?

This isn't the moment to ask, but something feels just out of alignment. The root of whatever this conflict is, the place it began.

But knowing doesn't change anything now. It wouldn't have erased the ache in Ellie's voice, or the flat, dull quality of Abby's recitation. All the answers in the world aren't going to change those things. ]

I'm sorry, [ continues to be inadequate, but is offered so sincerely. ] I'm sorry that happened to you, Abby.

Yeah, (she agrees, her voice catching.) Me too.

(And she gets it. She understands why Ellie did what she did but that doesn't make any of the hurt go away, maybe even makes it worse. It tucks up underneath of her ribs, aching away. Sometimes it's really unbearable, but not always. She's learning how to live with it.)

Edited (cant repeat a word or i perish) 2022-06-28 04:04 (UTC)

You don't have to tell me any more than that, if you don't want. I know how difficult it is to talk about loss like that.

[ And it does feel like prying, to try and dig more out of Abby. It had been months before Ellie had offered up anything more than the barest explanation. How can she drag anything else from Abby today? ]

I don't know what else you want to know.

(Details? The names of everybody she lost, and how they died, how much it hurt her? She can't. Even Loki doesn't know any of that, because Abby's too scared to loose her own feelings. The last time she did, she got lost in them for years.

It's bold of her to ask,) Who did you lose? (And she'd understand, if Derrica chose not to answer.)

[ So many things. The operation, and why it had prompted the action it did. Who were the people she'd lost. What were they like.

Whether it was worth it. If it had brought her peace. Derrica doesn't think it had, but—

There is a moment of quiet. A weighing of things, trying to consider what she is about to say. ]

Everyone, [ must sound like an exaggeration. It is not. ] But it was different than what happened between you and Ellie.

[ If she hesitates after, it's only because the truth of the thing looms so large. It had been so impersonal, and so devastating. It feels unfair to set it against what Abby has experienced. ]

(It doesn't sound like an exaggeration. Abby lost everyone too. She says,) I'm sorry. (And now they've both said that to each other, and both mentioned real, tangible loss in their lives. It makes Abby feel a tiny bit better about the whole thing. She plucks at a bit of fuzz on her sleeve, and adds,) That's–

(Not... Not good, but,) I'm glad that's not a regular thing.

(Bad joke. Abby's feeling a little vulnerable right now, that's all. )

[ A very soft breath of laughter. Yes, well. ]

I have people here now. It helps.

[ It doesn't supplant, but what can? ]

Are you okay?

[ griefwise. ]

(Griefwise?) No. (That's the first time she's ever acknowledged that out loud.

Quietly,) But I think that I will be. Having people helps.

It does.

[ words of experience. ]

It will get easier, in time. I know how impossible it feels, but it's true.

I'll take your word for it, 'cuz it's... kinda coming up on a year since it happened.

(Feels like it's looming, really.)

I can't tell you how long it will take. I wish I could.

[ is a year enough? yes, and no. ]

But one day, it happens. You won't realize it, or know how it happened. It just...eases.

Yeah.

(Derrica's right, she realises. Even this time in Thedas is some of the first she's spent not worrying the death of her dad over and over and over again in her mind. She hasn't been dreaming about the night she found his body. She's been talking about him. Things have been easing.

But it has taken time.

She breathes in, and out. Mumbles,) Thank you.

Thank you for trusting me.

[ With all of it. Her truth. This admission. ]

It's nothing. (She already had most of the story anyways.)

We good?

Yes. Of course.

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armd - 2022-07-10 01:41 (UTC) - Expand

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