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"I like the gloves," Abby says with the pillow over her face, because she let it hit her and collapsed back on her mattress about it. It smells like Clarisse's hair, that 'bunch of stuff' Benedict got her. She still really likes that smell. Then she sits up so she can throw it back at her bed instead of at her so it doesn't break anything she's taking out of the bag.

"Did he say something to you?"

Her face is a tiny bit pink, because she got hit by the pillow. No other reason. She's being as casual as she can be about this, legs coming up to cross as she sits. "He said — he actually came crawling to me apologising for having said something to you by mistake."

That Clarisse never mentioned, for... some reason.

"Oh." It's an oh of recognition, not surprise. Clarisse looks up from unpacking, a little flush creeping across her own face. "Yeah, I guess."

And she hadn't said anything, because... Because? She hadn't wanted to make things weird again, mostly. She hadn't wanted to make Abby feel bad for telling someone, even if she picked a fucking blabbermouth.

"He was being really weird, so—" So it doesn't count?? Or something?? "Who knows what he was actually talking about." There.

"Oh," Abby says too, an oh of confusion, "Okay."

She really didn't think it was that weird at the end of the day — just something about her hair and how Abby would like it. But when she says it like that, who knows what he was actually talking about, it kinda sounds like she knows exactly what he was talking about.

She's sitting far too straight-backed for somebody who is supposed to be casually chilling out on the end of her own bed.

Shit. She feels suddenly mortified.

"I — didn't think he'd say anything. To anyone. Obviously."

Confused by Abby's confusion, Clarisse sets down the pack of playing cards she's just pulled from the bag and leans forward a little, resting her arms on her thighs.

"Yeah, I know." She almost says that she told somebody, too, but then she doesn't, because she never actually said Abby's name during that conversation. Cosima probably knew anyway, but also, Clarisse is way more confident that Cosima isn't going to walk up to Abby and say something fucking stupid. "I knew he was exaggerating, it's no big deal."

They're sitting facing each other like they're discussing a global crisis or something, but it's no big deal.

[ Without the understanding of why Abby just goes still, she frowns a little and answers. ] Akhuras. [ A beat. ] And yes, I'm from Earth.

(Wait, the place Glimmer and Ellie came from also started with A. Hold on. She's staring at Hermione's face until the bit of memory finally surfaces and she can relax again. New Amsterdam, not Akhuras. This must have happened... twice.

Weird.)

How did you get to Akhuras?

Exaggerating... what.

Abby feels lost. She's gotta be missing some vitally important context right, and she wants to ask and never ever wants to know but —

"What exactly did he say...?"

Curiousity wins out, immediately. Even though it was 'no big deal' and Clarisse presumably never brought it up with her because of that and no other reason? It doesn't feel great to be stepping in it again, actually, bringing back that old awkwardness from their most recent guard duty — within seconds Abby sort of wishes she didn't say that, but it's not like she can take it back.

Oh, god, what is happening?

Clarisse doesn't answer right away, not sure how she's going to say this without making everything weird as fuck again. She hopes Abby thinks she's just trying to remember what Benedict said. Like it was actually not a big deal and she could have just... forgotten it. Ha.

"That he heard about something and he thinks it's good and he was, um, happy. For us. Both." Clarisse tilts her head back a little so she can stare at the ceiling. She can't look at Abby, she can't look.

Abby is looking at Clarisse but immediately stops the moment she averts her eyes — in fact, her face drops directly into her palm. She sighs, sags in place. What the fuckkkkkk.

It's fine, it's fine just... give her a second.

"That's not what he told me," she clarifies, after she's had a breath and dragged her hand down her face. Clarisse is staring determinedly at the ceiling instead of looking at her and that's appreciated right now. She feels hot and uncomfortable.

"Okay. Whatever, he — sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

"No, it's... I don't care, it's fine."

She doesn't, really. If she did she would have said something about it to Abby instead of, like, committing every detail of the interaction to memory and wondering about it in silence for two weeks.

After a couple moments she lowers her eyes. Abby looks totally mortified. Clarisse doesn't blame her, but it also feels like she should work a little harder to make her feel better, so she blurts out, "I mean, we did do that. I don't care if people know." Okay, fuck it. "I told someone too."

Abby nods mutely — she has to believe that, and she does, truly. Clarisse deeply understands how fucking awkward this whole thing has been so she wouldn't say it was fine and not mean it... It's gonna take Abby's brain a couple of business days to get on board with that, that's all. A couple of business days to convince itself that it'd be unnecessary to go find Benedict right now and shove her boot up his—

"Huh?"

Wait. She sits up again, surprised. Still pink. Abby doesn't care that she told somebody either but, "Who?"

Clarisse squeezes the back of her own neck. When she says, "Cosima," it sounds almost like a question.

It just seems on a different level, all of a sudden. Abby might have told Benedict, but the two of them are close friends and telling your close friend you slept with somebody is something that happens all the time. It's in basically every fucking romcom script, right? Cosima and Clarisse are friendly, sure, but not "gossip about a hookup" friendly. And she's, okay, maybe not their boss, but a boss.

Clarisse feels like she needs to clarify. "I told her I slept with someone. I didn't say it was you, specifically, but—she could probably tell who I was talking about." But, ughhhh, "I wasn't there to talk about you. I was trying to figure out—my feelings—"

Fuck, stop talking.

Abby tries not to react to that and she doesn't. Audibly.

She has no idea what kinda face she's making in response right now but, as she was sitting here silently thumbing through a list of people that Clarisse could have told about this, Cosima is... kind of a wildcard.

She opens her mouth but doesn't say anything and Clarisse keeps going anyway so she shuts it again with a click of teeth, nodding like an idiot, like she agrees. Yes of course. Why wouldn't you go to one of the div heads to talk about fucking somebody without specifying who?

Wait. So Clarisse went to Cosima for advice? About her feelings?? What does that mean???

"Did... it help?"

Yeah, now that she's seeing the look on Abby's face, she's wondering if she should have just kept her mouth shut. Now, that is. Because talking to Cosima did help and she wouldn't undo that.

"It... yeah."

She can't pull words out of the air, she's already said this much, so she just keeps going. "I just had, like, all these mixed up feelings about stuff with Ellie, and I was kind of. Putting them on what happened and feeling shitty about it, and that's why everything was so weird with us, after. But when I talked to her she made me realize I didn't have to do that. They were like... separate things."

She holds her two palms facing each other and then spreads them apart by a few inches. See, separate.

This time Abby nods along as she's talking, hooking a hand around her neck, holding it. She feels weirdly ashamed, the realisation cold and sinking. Yeah. Yeah, actually — that makes a lot of sense. Of course it was about Ellie, why wouldn't it be? She can't believe she thought that Clarisse might have been talking about...

Well. Never mind.

That's why everything was so weird with us.

She watches as Clarisse slowly pulls her hands apart and manages to find some words. "That's good." Genuinely. It really does sound like it helped her. "I'm glad you talked to her. I — Benedict gave me advice too, he told me to talk to you. He said 'the worse that can happen is she hates you forever'."

Relaying it makes her snort.

Clarisse snorts, too. Wow. "He's an idiot." It's leaning more toward positive than not, but she's still not totally sure whether she and Benedict are friends or not or how annoyed she should be with him over this whole thing.

Anyway, that doesn't matter. This isn't about him.

"I would never hate you, Abs. Why would I?" Rhetorical question, though she's honestly kind of confused about why she would be pissed at Abby for what happened. What, for... getting her off?

Probably she shouldn't say that out loud. They're not there yet.

"I dunno," she says, and then it comes out of her restlessly. "We were high." Not quite looking up at her, "And I — said all that stupid stuff to you." She can't entirely remember if she was being especially pushy in bringing up thinking about other rifters, how did they even get onto that? Did it come up out of the blue?

They were laughing about it. At least she knows she asked Clarisse, sitting so close she could smell the smoke on her breath, if she wanted to kiss her.

I got you.

It's not like she thinks that it wasn't consensual cuz it obviously was, but the circumstances before it happen have twisted up on it, sunk into the whole thing and now she's overthinking. You need to get laid, Abs, Manny used to say to her whenever he wanted to piss her off — I did, pendejo she wants to say back. And I'm still stressed out, so now what!

She runs her hand over her face, sighs. Shrugs. "It's been bothering me."

Oh.

Abby's glossing over specifics, but she's saying enough for Clarisse to figure out what she means. Somehow it hadn't occurred to her that Abby might feel that way, like she'd been the one pushing them both over the line, like she'd started everything and been wrong to do that.

Clarisse can't remember a lot of the specifics of what happened before they fucked. Not because she was too high, just in that way of memory coalescing around something big that happened and smoothing out a lot of the littler details. She thinks, yeah, Abby might have been the one who started talking about it—thinking about people, asking Clarisse if she'd ever thought about her.

But it had been fun, she'd liked it. It had made her feel stupid and brave, and she'd been the one who moved to sit so close to Abby that they were almost on top of each other already. She had been the one teasing her, just waiting til Abby asked her the right question.

"I didn't know that it was bothering you." Clarisse bites her bottom lip and corrects herself: "Because of that. I thought it was just... awkward because we're friends, you know?"

"I'm sorry. I should've been honest about it. It's been bugging me too," she says in a rush. She feels like she needs to stand up and start pacing around the room, there's all this sudden nervous energy in her arms and legs. "Thinking that it would seem to you like I only said what I said and did what I did because I was using you to replace her." Because how could Abby not think that? Fuck.

"Yeah," Abby mutters, "Because I didn't say anything about it." But it slips underneath of what Clarisse has to say and besides, there's no point in beating herself up about it after the fact. She's saying something about it now and that counts.

Instead she ends up staring at Clarisse, watching her rush through her words, get it all out quick. Her body looks tense like a set spring. "I didn't think that," is her first response. Maybe it comes out too quick but it's true, and she's desperate for Clarisse to understand that so she keeps going, scooting forward on the edge of her bed as if that will better convey how much she means this. "Seriously. I was — too busy freaking out that I was being kinda pushy while you were already sad, I didn't..." ... even consider the possibility.

She makes a face. It sounds like total bullshit somehow.

Frowning, she adds, "You wouldn't do something like that." It's not a Clarisse type of move — but she's hyper aware knowing this means the opposite must also be true and therefore Clarisse wouldn't have thought Abby would do something like that either. It's making her feel stupid, embarrassed. But at the same time that if she hadn't brought it up it would have kept needling away at her. It's better this way, even though it's awkward.

She sighs. Softer, "And I know I can't replace her." Who could? "That's — kind of the last thing I want to do, anyway." ... No offence, Ellie. Wherever the hell you are.

Edited 2024-12-28 11:04 (UTC)

"I know. I wouldn't want you to. And even if she came back tomorrow, I... don't think it could be the same with us anyway. Me and her, I mean. You know?"

Clarisse takes a deep breath and lets it out fast, still feeling jittery. It's relieved jittery, but still. She hates that they're still sitting across from each other like this, each making their point like two lawyers presenting a case, so before she can think about it too hard she stands up and crosses the space between them and settles onto Abby's bed next to her.

"You weren't being pushy." Clarisse lifts one shoulder in a shrug, feeling almost embarrassed to admit, "I wasn't sad that night. It was fun."

It was. She doesn't want to say this out loud, she's not sure how she would even explain it, but it was also the first time in months that sex had seemed like something she wanted for herself, something she could think about doing without feeling stressed out or sad. A reminder that she was still a person who could have a life.

Abby nods, even though she doesn't know — didn't know this until right now, when Clarisse said it. She hasn't let herself consider that Ellie might come back some day, it's the exact same trap as waiting around for Lev to fall out of a rip in the sky. If it happens, it happens but until then she isn't going to let herself hope. Clarisse is right though, getting her back wouldn't return things to normal. She understands that immediately.

"Why not?"

Clarisse stands up and comes toward her, takes a seat beside her on the bed and as Abby shifts her weight automatically, she accidentally brushes her leg against Clarisse's knee.

It's so small, a tiny point of connection, but it's all she can feel, all she can concentrate on. She doesn't move away.

"Yeah," she says, looking back, "It was."

And now she's thinking about it, specifically the exact way that Clarisse kept kissing her like something worn thin had finally snapped; how she kept her fingers inside even after Abby came. Fuck. She's been trying really hard not to think about that. Feels like she has to ask Clarisse for permission before she can but there's no way she could actually do that.

"I'm — it's good that you weren't sad." God, what the hell is she saying? "It was the first time in ages I actually slept through the whole night." Afterwards. Obviously.

Edited (i sorry) 2024-12-29 01:09 (UTC)

"Because. Things are just different now." Clarisse can't put a finger on exactly what, and it's not like she's stopped loving or missing Ellie, but it's like some door has opened that she's never going to be able to close, and that's just how it is. She thought she'd be sad about it, but she isn't. She's okay.

Abby's leg presses up against her knee and stays that way. Clarisse can feel the warmth of her in that one small spot, and she waits for it to fade and be like all the million other times they've touched like this, but it stays.

Thank fuck Abby says what she does next—it actually makes Clarisse snort out a laugh and cover her mouth with one hand. "I don't think you even ground your teeth that night." Ha ha. She picks at her thumbnail for a few seconds before saying, "Um, can I ask you... You said something about how you don't look at girls as much, but you never said why."

During. Abby said that during, and Clarisse has been thinking about it since, but she hadn't planned on asking. Then again, she hadn't planned on talking about most of this stuff, either.

Abby nods mutely. In a funny way the spot where they're touching is keeping her from looking down instead of looking at Clarisse. If she doesn't look at it, it doesn't exist... Something like that. She can get away with it? And Clarisse doesn't move either, she makes a face at Abby — one she's done a hundred times before that looks different, better up close — and cups a hand around her mouth to keep from laughing.

It immediately makes Abby laugh. Yeah. 'Dumb but true' could be the title of her biography. "Sorry," she says, but she's grinning almost apologetically. I swear I'm not usually this awkward. I swear I don't usually act like this after I've slept with someone?

She's got front row seats to her gaze dropping to her thumbnail, the slight furrow of her brow when she's thinking.

"Uh..."

Abby shrugs. Stalling for time cuz she wants to say 'I dunno' and leave it there, but Clarisse deserves more from her than that. "I guess I notice guys more," is what she lands on, plucking at the end of her braid. "It's not like I never... I've thought about it before, heaps of times — girls, I mean. But I haven't ever done anything about it."

Until now, until this. And god, it was so easy to, with Clarisse. And it was so good.

"How come?"

She doesn't really have a good answer for that, unless 'I wanted to know if I was a one off' is a good answer, which she doubts. "Just curious, I guess. I never really talked about it before with anybody." This is true, too.

"I was the same way at home for a long time. Thought about it but never did anything. Plus I had a boyfriend for like..." She rolls her eyes, thinking back. "Too long."

Clarisse stops messing with her thumbnail and looks back up at Abby. Her eyes move from Abby's face to the ends of her fingers as they pinch at the very end of her braid. She's aware that she knows exactly how it'd feel to undo the tie and run her fingers through Abby's hair. She still has a sense memory of the way it smelled like soap and how it was still damp underneath from being washed.

So, okay. She stops looking at the braid, but the only other place to look now is at Abby's face.

They keep tripping up like this. It's all normal and casual and then suddenly Clarisse is reminding herself that she knows what Abby's tongue feels like in her mouth and it's like all the air's gone from the room for a few seconds.

Maybe it's not even 'they,' maybe it's just her. She doesn't know if she can totally make herself believe that, though.

"Same." To all of that.

It makes her think of nights Manny was away sleeping in somebody else's bed so Nora would occupy his and bring Mel with her, maybe Leah too if she could bear to be dragged away from Jordan for that long. Leah always had gossip. Nora pretended not to care but had a million questions ready and Abby found it fascinating how easy it was for Leah to talk about her own sex life, about what Jordan did that made her scream or whatever. She hated talking about that stuff. About who she was looking at behind Owen's back.

Clarisse is looking at her. Abby was looking too but not focusing and now she sits up straight. She tosses her braid over her shoulder almost carelessly and exhales, settling. She can't think of anything to say. Her and Clarisse used to be able to sit in silence together all the time, doing something individually at the same time, and it was never weird. Now Abby feels like she can't let things be quiet between them, she needs to be talking or moving.

She makes herself be still. Does Clarisse feel like this around her now too? She can't tell. Maybe she's the only one being crazy.

They're supposed to be friends. Clarisse doesn't want to lose her as a friend.

Abby's heart is thumping. She says, "Clarisse," lets the rest of it stick in her throat. In the training yard Clarisse said touch me like it was the easiest thing in the world to ask for what she wanted and Abby wants to say that now, she wants to be brave and crazy. But she doesn't want to be the one who ruins what they are.

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