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"Aye."
Very mildly apologetic.
"You can ride with me, if it eases the discomfort."
That she isn't arguing her way around it is noted, appreciated. There is no other way, really. The Hunterhorns are vast. They aren't easily traveled. It's a good choice of hiding spot for those reasons.
Very mildly apologetic.
"You can ride with me, if it eases the discomfort."
That she isn't arguing her way around it is noted, appreciated. There is no other way, really. The Hunterhorns are vast. They aren't easily traveled. It's a good choice of hiding spot for those reasons.
It really has. That they've managed to come and talk to each other about it at all is a victory in itself but Abby feels steadier for having said it too, even though it aches. Look how easily they came to terms with this. Part of her thinks she should be insulted or angry, hating herself for finding a compromise. It might come later.
She rubs the back of her neck, and makes herself say the thing she doesn't want to.
"Will you tell her about him?"
Can't quite speak his name. Coward. She could say nothing but for five years of her life, but the feelings are messy, complicated. In a way, she'd be glad not to have to explain why she killed him to Clarisse.
She rubs the back of her neck, and makes herself say the thing she doesn't want to.
"Will you tell her about him?"
Can't quite speak his name. Coward. She could say nothing but for five years of her life, but the feelings are messy, complicated. In a way, she'd be glad not to have to explain why she killed him to Clarisse.
What else is there to do? She's the only one in that group, to her knowledge, that has an issue with flying. If she protests he'll just drop her. From the mission, that is, not off the back of a griffon or anything. (Unless...)
She'd have suggested she ride with either him or Ellie anyways, they've both borne witness to her melting down about it once before. Makes the embarrassment somewhat bearable.
"It will. Thanks." Not like she wants to be a liability, so. "I'm working on it."
She'd have suggested she ride with either him or Ellie anyways, they've both borne witness to her melting down about it once before. Makes the embarrassment somewhat bearable.
"It will. Thanks." Not like she wants to be a liability, so. "I'm working on it."
"It's alright."
And it is her prerogative, to decline. There is some seeking element to the way he looks at her, waiting for that withdrawal. When it doesn't come—
"I knew a man who wore a blindfold, when we had to cross any crevasse together. He swore by it, and he had the rest of us to guide him."
Just saying.
And it is her prerogative, to decline. There is some seeking element to the way he looks at her, waiting for that withdrawal. When it doesn't come—
"I knew a man who wore a blindfold, when we had to cross any crevasse together. He swore by it, and he had the rest of us to guide him."
Just saying.
Huh. Abby looks at him now, considering. "A blindfold?"
Would that make it... worse? Better? Most of the panic comes from seeing the steep drop-off so maybe she really could trick herself into thinking she weren't so high up? But blinding herself intentionally feels insane.
"Someone back home always told me to think about the good parts to fear whenever I started get scared. How it- gives you adrenaline, makes you focus better, shit like that. He said I should try think about how my body is just getting ready to protect me from whatever's coming next."
A pause. "It kinda works."
Would that make it... worse? Better? Most of the panic comes from seeing the steep drop-off so maybe she really could trick herself into thinking she weren't so high up? But blinding herself intentionally feels insane.
"Someone back home always told me to think about the good parts to fear whenever I started get scared. How it- gives you adrenaline, makes you focus better, shit like that. He said I should try think about how my body is just getting ready to protect me from whatever's coming next."
A pause. "It kinda works."
"We can practice, if you like. Until we are certain of what works."
Because it is all guesswork, isn't it? All the possible approaches in the world will work for one person or another, but what works for Abby won't be guessed at. They'd have to test, as much as she cared to attempt.
Whether or not she attempted those tests with Ellis was no matter. Not to him. It mattered that she found a way forward that made griffonback tolerable.
Because it is all guesswork, isn't it? All the possible approaches in the world will work for one person or another, but what works for Abby won't be guessed at. They'd have to test, as much as she cared to attempt.
Whether or not she attempted those tests with Ellis was no matter. Not to him. It mattered that she found a way forward that made griffonback tolerable.
Ellie works her mouth, drops her gaze to her blankets, and picks at a stray thread. She still doesn't want to look at Abby when she says it. Is relieved when she doesn't say his name.
She still can't stand the thought of Joel's name in Abby's mouth. It no longer feels like a betrayal to sit here and speak to her, but that doesn't mean she can stomach it easily.
Abby took him from her, and Ellie is rapidly running out of steam to continue this conversation. Her fingertips are tingling.
"Yeah," she says softly.
She still can't stand the thought of Joel's name in Abby's mouth. It no longer feels like a betrayal to sit here and speak to her, but that doesn't mean she can stomach it easily.
Abby took him from her, and Ellie is rapidly running out of steam to continue this conversation. Her fingertips are tingling.
"Yeah," she says softly.
Abby nods, in lieu of saying anything. There's a coppery taste in her mouth, blood-like and familiar, the tang that accompanies clenching her jaw for too long. She tries to relax, but she has to be actively thinking about it to do it. That's impossible with Ellie sitting there on her bed not saying anything and staring hard at a thread, picking. She probably wishes she could do that to Abby. Pluck her out, and toss her away.
Time for her to go.
"Ellie." It slips out, quiet and thoughtless. Abby furrows her brow, grasping at loose ends.
"Thanks," is what she settles on, "For- talking."
It's not easy, but they're doing it. They're making space for it to happen, that isn't nothing.
Time for her to go.
"Ellie." It slips out, quiet and thoughtless. Abby furrows her brow, grasping at loose ends.
"Thanks," is what she settles on, "For- talking."
It's not easy, but they're doing it. They're making space for it to happen, that isn't nothing.
Abby saying her name is a quiet shock, a sting against her nerves, especially because it sounds so gentle. It draws Ellie's eyes up from the top of her blanket, her scarred fingertips, back to Abby's face.
It flusters her, but not in a way that feels terrible.
"Yeah," she says. It's an awkward feeling. But... good, too. Yeah. They both are trying, aren't they. "You too. Thanks."
It flusters her, but not in a way that feels terrible.
"Yeah," she says. It's an awkward feeling. But... good, too. Yeah. They both are trying, aren't they. "You too. Thanks."
"Aye," Ellis repeats. "This week, we'll try."
Because yes, Ellis understands inherently the temptation to wriggle out of an event tied to that kind of visceral fear. Better not to leave it overlong; the nature of Riftwatch's work tends to provide many valid excuses to put a thing off.
Because yes, Ellis understands inherently the temptation to wriggle out of an event tied to that kind of visceral fear. Better not to leave it overlong; the nature of Riftwatch's work tends to provide many valid excuses to put a thing off.
A few nights after their return to the Gallows after the weirdness in the Arlathan temple, and Clarisse doesn't come back to the room she shares with Abby. In itself, that's not weird, especially lately. What is weird is the way she comes back in the early morning, at a time when she knows Abby will still be there, looking pale and upset and like she hasn't slept well, or slept at all.
She lingers in the doorway like she isn't sure she should come inside, like suddenly she's not sure the space is hers, too, anymore. Abby's awake, and that's what she wanted, but part of her had also been hoping that maybe she'd still be sleeping. That maybe they could put this off a while longer.
"Hey," she says, presses her lips into a thin, bloodless line. "You got a minute?"
She lingers in the doorway like she isn't sure she should come inside, like suddenly she's not sure the space is hers, too, anymore. Abby's awake, and that's what she wanted, but part of her had also been hoping that maybe she'd still be sleeping. That maybe they could put this off a while longer.
"Hey," she says, presses her lips into a thin, bloodless line. "You got a minute?"
Clarisse certainly does bring a very weird energy into their room. Abby hasn't been awake for very long, she was having a weird dream. Not a nightmare per say, just – a weird amalgamation of different things, some humble task she was doing that inexplicably felt like a live or die situation, and Flint grading her on it for some reason? All of her hair was chopped off. Edgard was there.
She's sitting up in bed, still parsing it out when Clarisse appears in the doorway. It's good to see her. Kind of? She doesn't look very happy to see Abby in return.
"Yeah. You okay?"
She's been staying with Ellie for the last few nights, which is fine, Abby no longer gives a shit about that, but it would have been nice to have her company after... everything. At least the dog has to stick with her (though he is currently out, and loose in the Gallows).
She's sitting up in bed, still parsing it out when Clarisse appears in the doorway. It's good to see her. Kind of? She doesn't look very happy to see Abby in return.
"Yeah. You okay?"
She's been staying with Ellie for the last few nights, which is fine, Abby no longer gives a shit about that, but it would have been nice to have her company after... everything. At least the dog has to stick with her (though he is currently out, and loose in the Gallows).
Edited 2023-05-26 06:15 (UTC)
"Not... really," Clarisse answers, honestly.
It's not like she and Ellie broke up over this shit, but they could've. And things seemed kind of okay after, but Clarisse still feels like she's been punched in the stomach a bunch of times and then dunked in gross water and wrung out and drop-kicked down a dirty flight of stairs and left there for a few days in the scorching sun. Emotionally.
She crosses to her own bed and sits on the edge, running her fingers over the blanket again and again so she has something to fidget with. She's facing Abby, but she can't quite look at her.
"Ellie and I talked last night. She told me some things." Clarisse knows she probably doesn't need to get too specific about what kind of things. "I just wanted you to know that." So there's no secrets between them. So Abby knows where they stand.
It's not like she and Ellie broke up over this shit, but they could've. And things seemed kind of okay after, but Clarisse still feels like she's been punched in the stomach a bunch of times and then dunked in gross water and wrung out and drop-kicked down a dirty flight of stairs and left there for a few days in the scorching sun. Emotionally.
She crosses to her own bed and sits on the edge, running her fingers over the blanket again and again so she has something to fidget with. She's facing Abby, but she can't quite look at her.
"Ellie and I talked last night. She told me some things." Clarisse knows she probably doesn't need to get too specific about what kind of things. "I just wanted you to know that." So there's no secrets between them. So Abby knows where they stand.
She watches Clarisse come and sit on her bed, and pick at her blanket, and not look at her. She's assuming that Clarisse saw something in the temple, a terrible or sad memory of hers that she'll have to explain. She presses her back teeth together and waits, releasing a breath she didn't know she was holding when she finally speaks up.
"Oh." Right. That. Her... side of things.
It's Abby's turn to look down at her blanket, tucked around her waist. "Okay." She frowns, and picks at a little flap of skin on her thumb, feeling weirdly guilty. Why should she? It's not as if anybody ever hands you a manual on how to deal with a situation like this; she's been doing her best. Right?
"... We talked about that," she confesses, "About telling you what happened. We were gonna tell you different things, but I – didn't know when to bring it all up."
She adds awkwardly, "You guys okay?" Like. Relationship-wise...
"Oh." Right. That. Her... side of things.
It's Abby's turn to look down at her blanket, tucked around her waist. "Okay." She frowns, and picks at a little flap of skin on her thumb, feeling weirdly guilty. Why should she? It's not as if anybody ever hands you a manual on how to deal with a situation like this; she's been doing her best. Right?
"... We talked about that," she confesses, "About telling you what happened. We were gonna tell you different things, but I – didn't know when to bring it all up."
She adds awkwardly, "You guys okay?" Like. Relationship-wise...
"Yeah," Clarisse says. "Ellie mentioned that."
Her mouth twists like she's trying not to scowl, but she's never been great at hiding her feelings—she's pissed that they talked about it so long ago and then neither of them said anything to her.
Abby's question makes her balk, and she almost snaps something like what do you care? but stops herself. She keeps reminding herself that it isn't Abby she's mad at, but it's hard. Her nerves are frayed, and she hasn't had time to process all the things Ellie told her, and here she is waiting on Abby to tell her more, because what else is she supposed to do? She lives here.
"We didn't break up, if that's what you mean," she says finally.
Her mouth twists like she's trying not to scowl, but she's never been great at hiding her feelings—she's pissed that they talked about it so long ago and then neither of them said anything to her.
Abby's question makes her balk, and she almost snaps something like what do you care? but stops herself. She keeps reminding herself that it isn't Abby she's mad at, but it's hard. Her nerves are frayed, and she hasn't had time to process all the things Ellie told her, and here she is waiting on Abby to tell her more, because what else is she supposed to do? She lives here.
"We didn't break up, if that's what you mean," she says finally.
Abby nods. Obviously they aren't the same – and it's more than a bit fucked up – but Clarisse and Ellie occupy the same space in her mind that Mel and Owen did: two people in her life who happen to be in a relationship with each other, one she tries her best not to look directly at. They're happy together and good for them, but she doesn't want to hear any details. She's still glad they didn't break up though, it would have felt like she had a hand in doing that if it had gone the other way.
Clarisse doesn't look relieved about this at all. She looks stressed out, like she wants to shout but she's holding back from doing it, and there is a tiny, morbidly curious part of her that wonders how it all went. What she thinks.
So she asks, "What happened?" Light, and casual. Offering her the chance to talk, if she likes.
Clarisse doesn't look relieved about this at all. She looks stressed out, like she wants to shout but she's holding back from doing it, and there is a tiny, morbidly curious part of her that wonders how it all went. What she thinks.
So she asks, "What happened?" Light, and casual. Offering her the chance to talk, if she likes.
For a few seconds it seems like Clarisse might not answer. She chews on her bottom lip, staring off at some point over Abby's shoulder, knowing that she shouldn't do this but needing to do it at the same time. She doesn't have anyone else to talk to about this.
"I saw a couple things. In the temple. They upset me." And that's an understatement. "When we got back I avoided her because I was pissed off, embarrassed, but last night we talked. She talked, mostly. I sat there and listened to it." She puts her face in her hands, breathing through her fingers. "The fucked up thing is that a lot of it I wouldn't have been angry about, you know? If it'd just been Seattle? It's not great but it's not like I can judge, with my family. But ditching her family so she could go on some fucking unhinged revenge quest and 'finish what she started' and threaten a little kid at knifepoint? I'm fucking sick about it. I feel like I don't even know her. Like... who does that?"
It's not like she thinks Abby's going to have an answer for her. If there even is an answer. But it's something she's going to be asking herself for a long time after this.
"I saw a couple things. In the temple. They upset me." And that's an understatement. "When we got back I avoided her because I was pissed off, embarrassed, but last night we talked. She talked, mostly. I sat there and listened to it." She puts her face in her hands, breathing through her fingers. "The fucked up thing is that a lot of it I wouldn't have been angry about, you know? If it'd just been Seattle? It's not great but it's not like I can judge, with my family. But ditching her family so she could go on some fucking unhinged revenge quest and 'finish what she started' and threaten a little kid at knifepoint? I'm fucking sick about it. I feel like I don't even know her. Like... who does that?"
It's not like she thinks Abby's going to have an answer for her. If there even is an answer. But it's something she's going to be asking herself for a long time after this.
Fuck, she really did tell her everything. Clarisse probably knows more about what happened than Abby does. While she's listening she pulls the tie out of the end of her braid, grabs the dark brown, wooden comb she keeps on her bedside table, starts to drag it slowly through her hair. It's a comforting thing.
There isn't an answer for her question, not really, but it feels disingenuous not to reply to it. Abby doesn't stop combing. "Me."
If she heard about everything, she knows about Joel. She doesn't know the extent to which Abby went to find him, because Ellie doesn't know that either, but she was out of her mind over it, for years. If she had to hold a kid at knifepoint to get information on his whereabouts? She probably would have done it. She would have done anything. She isn't a good person either.
"I'm not defending it," she adds, "It wasn't right. It was fucked up, but it happened."
There isn't an answer for her question, not really, but it feels disingenuous not to reply to it. Abby doesn't stop combing. "Me."
If she heard about everything, she knows about Joel. She doesn't know the extent to which Abby went to find him, because Ellie doesn't know that either, but she was out of her mind over it, for years. If she had to hold a kid at knifepoint to get information on his whereabouts? She probably would have done it. She would have done anything. She isn't a good person either.
"I'm not defending it," she adds, "It wasn't right. It was fucked up, but it happened."
Clarisse decides she's just going to flop onto her back on the bed, so she can stare up at the ceiling instead of having to avoid looking at Abby the whole time.
"Guess you two are just made for each other," she mutters, and yeah, it's a bitchy thing to say, but she's over it.
She shuffles her legs, kicking first one boot onto the floor, then the other. She's not leaving this room today. (Unless this conversation goes so badly that she feels like she can't be around Abby anymore. Then all bets are off.)
"Guess you two are just made for each other," she mutters, and yeah, it's a bitchy thing to say, but she's over it.
She shuffles her legs, kicking first one boot onto the floor, then the other. She's not leaving this room today. (Unless this conversation goes so badly that she feels like she can't be around Abby anymore. Then all bets are off.)
Abby snorts. "... You're actually not the first person to say that to me."
Or the first person to get caught in the middle of them. Abby knows it fucking sucks. Clarisse isn't alone in wishing it wasn't like this.
Setting the comb aside she drags her fingers slowly through the waves of her hair, sectioning it out before she starts to slowly braid. "That why you've been avoiding our room too?"
She noticed.
Or the first person to get caught in the middle of them. Abby knows it fucking sucks. Clarisse isn't alone in wishing it wasn't like this.
Setting the comb aside she drags her fingers slowly through the waves of her hair, sectioning it out before she starts to slowly braid. "That why you've been avoiding our room too?"
She noticed.
"No," Clarisse says, "I was avoiding our room because you stink it up so bad."
Look, she's never going to pass up an opportunity to roast Abby (lovingly). Her heart's not really in it, though, and after a few seconds she admits, "Yeah."
She isn't mad at Abby the way she's mad at Ellie. But it's a lot to deal with.
Look, she's never going to pass up an opportunity to roast Abby (lovingly). Her heart's not really in it, though, and after a few seconds she admits, "Yeah."
She isn't mad at Abby the way she's mad at Ellie. But it's a lot to deal with.
"Shut up," she replies automatically, and falls silent. She's braiding slowly, but she still finishes before she can formulate anything to say in response. What do you say to that? Even apologising feels lame and stupid and not enough.
Tying off the braid, she tosses it back over her shoulder, and looks at Clarisse.
"Are you mad at me?"
Tying off the braid, she tosses it back over her shoulder, and looks at Clarisse.
"Are you mad at me?"
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